Beans, a dangerous food

Beans are so dangerous. Why? Imagine you just ate the little suckers. A couple of hours later you attend a public gathering (movie theater, social gathering, etc.) The beans have now been digested and these frijoles create a kind of pressure in your belly that can only be done away with by the realeasing of gas. What to do? Some people save themselves the embarassment and avoid any risk of public humiliation by taking some time to go to a public restroom and relieving themselves. Others think, "It doesn't feel like it'll be such a deal, maybe I can just do away with it here." There are three different possible outcomes to this choice.
1. There is no sound, but a terrible stench impregnates the room making everybody think or even say, "Eww, who was that!" which will bring you some embarrassment by knowing that you are the cause of such discomfort, but no greater harm is caused.
2. There is sound, but no smell. People far away from you hear it and laugh. People not so far away, but not so close either, turn to look at a person close to them on the side from which said sound originated from. People close to you know it is you, but say nothing since they figure the embarassment is enough punishment for such a public disturbance. You are ashamed and think that the people closest to you now think you are a dirty person.
3. There is sound and a stench. Similar to outcome two except the people closest to you do not consider your embarassment as they exclaim in a loud voice, "Oh my goodness (insert name here)! That was gross! That was awful!" or "Wow (name), that burrito really did some damage!" etc. They make it clear who is the perpetrator and single you out as a public threat. The moment goes down in personal history as the most humiliating experience of your life.

All this I draw from personal experience. Not only have I been the perpetrator, but I've also been in the presence of such an act. In any case we are all victims of the bean.

Arrr

"ARR!" exclaimed the pirate, as he looked over a stack of envelopes. He picked up one with "PIG Inc." written at the top. He stares at it for a while then finally rips the edge and takes out two folded papers. His eyes run across the paper as he reads, "Dear Mr. Vanderhosen. After careful consideration of your case, the board of members has unanimously agreed to void your account with Preventive Insurance Group Inc. We appreciate the business you have given us for these past 10 years, but unfortunately we have the end the association as of April 30th. Inclosed is your bill for the last insured quarter which is due by April 10th. Sincerely, Mr. Jeremy Smith. Director of the Board."

He looks at the second paper and his face turns red. His hands start shaking and suddenly he rips the papers into pieces. He throws them on the floor, spits on them and jumps on them, stomping them to mush. "ARR!" he yells one last time as leaves the room and slams the door behind him.